come on kate.

Okay, let's be honest.

I haven't been the nicest of people lately. For that, I apologize, I really do. I hoped it was something hormonal, likely to dissipate within a few days, but I'm beginning to doubt the case. I spoke to my mom yesterday, and she said, well Kate, you've got a lot going on. At first, I laughed, shrugged it off. But it's true.

I'm about to change everything about what easily defines me. Those quick introduction questions, where do you live, what do you do? are on the edge of dramatic alteration. You see, I'm moving from sleepy, slow-moving Jacksonville to New York City. You see, I'm giving up the ghost of my retail career for a summer institute at NYU in Publishing. If I'm a little insecure lately, I have every right to be. Not only am I moving to a city I don't know, large and scary in its scale, to an apartment I haven't even found yet, with someone I've spent a cumulative week with (a fabulous, good fun week, yes, but all the same, moving in with any one new is nerve-racking), and someone I've never met; I'm moving into a new career field.

First of all, I have no idea if I'll get into this program. My application was solid, my resume nitpicked and my letters of recommendation solid. I wrote a personal statement I felt surprisingly good about. All the same, I have no idea what my chances are of getting in. I spoke to someone in the Publishing Centre when I went to visit in February, and she said that they get over 200 apps for roughly 100 spots. I have to be better than 100 other people, sound better on paper, look better in their stats. I keep trying to be optimistic, but there's no true way to know until April 11th comes and I still don't have an acceptance letter (email? letter? who knows.)

But even if I'm accepted into the program, how do I know I'll be good at it? I have an English degree, yes. I've worked in a book store, yes. These two things, however, do not prepare you for working in publishing. Knowing the inner workings of editors, who's who, the politics of different imprints, the common sense business knowledge side of publishing. How do you learn that from a distance? I'm afraid that I'm going to be the kid that walks in the door and everyone knows what the hell's going on, and I'm chewing patterns into my pencil, freaking out.

So, long story short: I'm nervous, anxious, worried and a little freaked out about this leap of faith I'm about to take. If it works out, if I can make it work, then the rewards are well worth it. I'm putting a lot of trust into myself for this, that I can do this. But right now, I'm just terrified.